


Patterns Hidden By Patterns

by randomostrichchocolates



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, the merthur and nimueh/uther is one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 03:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1535924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomostrichchocolates/pseuds/randomostrichchocolates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, history has a way of repeating itself with different outcomes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Patterns Hidden By Patterns

Nimueh grew up in Camelot. She grew up watching the brave King Constantine II rule Camelot wisely and justly. She grew up in a Camelot which flourished with magic from every corner. She grew up with the dashing Prince Uther who went from a sweet boy to a confident, handsome man and Nimueh was always quite smitten.

Nimueh’s mother, Catrin, taught her the ways of the Old Religion from when she discovered her powers at the age of seven. And when Nimueh came of age, and came into her true power, Catrin requested an audience with the king in order to present her daughter as a candidate for Court Sorceress. King Constantine, after Nimueh demonstrated her skills for him, gladly welcomed Nimueh into his court, giving her the title of Lady Nimueh.

Nimueh’s duties were vast and varied, between maintaining the kingdoms crops, to building strong wards, to protecting Prince Uther from any danger that could befall him. Suffice to say, she rarely left the Prince’s company.

Prince Uther, she realized, was not only attractive, but also charming and honest and kind. Nimueh quite soon decided that there was no other prince she would rather serve, no other she would rather love, and that she would give her life for Uther. Uther, in turn, considered Nimueh to be a dear friend, often staying up late with her on the battlements, drinking ale out of Uther’s water skin, and naming the stars.

“Do you realize that when we look at the sky, we see the same sight as someone living hundreds of leagues away?” Uther said one day, his gaze slightly dazed from the alcohol and smile beaming.

Nimueh leaned against his shoulder. “Are you saying that no matter how far apart two people are, they will always be connected?”

“Exactly.” Uther grinned and turned to her. “Right now, at this moment, I’m the same as all my subjects. We’re connected. We’re all connected.”

Nimueh looked into his eyes, watching his fascination, his wonder, and smiled. “I wish to always be connected with you, Sire.”

Perhaps it was the ale, or the moonlit night, but Uther leaned over and kissed her, the smallest peck on Nimueh’s lips. It was brief, without any passion, but Nimueh closed her eyes and could feel the world exploding into colour and joy behind her.

The next morning, Uther did not remember a thing.

* * *

When Merlin met Freya, he thought he had found another to love. Another who would love him back as truly in return. It was only when that love was stolen away by the cruel ties of fate that Merlin realized he was inexplicably bonded to Arthur – in life, in death, in body, mind, and heart.

Merlin knew he was in love with Arthur from the moment the Questing Beast almost caused the death of his Prince. He knew that his life would have no more meaning, no more light, without Arthur in it. However, he also knew that Arthur’s one true love was Guinevere – she had broken the spell after all. And it was in that moment, that moment when Gwen kissed Arthur, that Merlin knew he was doomed.

And now, he stood watching as Gwen and Arthur grabbed at each other in a secluded alcove of the castle, exchanging kisses and whispers of love and forever. He felt the pain in his chest, the loneliness that almost consumed his soul. Arthur would never look at Merlin liked that, would never treasure him quite like he treasured Gwen, even if he knew about the magic – perhaps _especially_ if he knew about the magic.

So, Merlin took comfort when he could, reveled silently in the lone hunting trips he and Arthur sometimes went on, and pushed Arthur towards Gwen with as much strength as he could. If he couldn’t have Arthur for his own, he figured, he might as well make sure the prince would be happy.

The day after Uther died, Merlin stumbled into Arthur’s room to find him and Gwen asleep in bed, arms and legs entwined with each other’s and Merlin had never felt a pit in his stomach quite so deep. Later, Arthur expressed his concern with his manservant’s quiet behavior.

“Merlin, are you quite sure you’re all right?”

“It’s nothing, sire. Nothing for you to concern yourself with.”

* * *

The coronation of King Uther was an event of much celebration and happiness. King Constantine had been very loved by the people but his death was a quiet one and the people rejoiced Uther’s rise as much as they mourned Constantine’s fall.

A year after the coronation, Uther invited the house of de Bois to the court in order to discuss some irregular tax control near their part of the kingdom. As soon as Lady Ygraine entered the throne room, Nimueh felt the shift in Uther’s demeanor. He sat up straighter, smiled wider, and when Lady Ygraine introduced herself, he got up and gently kneeled to kiss her had.

Ygraine coloured pink because of Uther’s intimate gesture while Nimueh’s vision flashed green from the intense envy she felt.

Despite all odds, however, Nimueh became Ygraine’s friend. She resisted at first, of course, but Lady Ygraine, with her pleasant demeanor and beautiful smile, had a way of breaking down all the walls through sheer force of will. Nimueh did not love her and she still felt the jealousy curling in her stomach as Uther and Ygraine embarked on their picnics in the forest, but she did not hate the Lady.

Lord Agravaine, Ygraine’s older brother, was completely smitten with Nimueh. He would follow her around, like a lost puppy she sometimes mused, and constantly sought to win her favour. One night, he cornered her in the hallway, and before she could protest, he had moved towards her. She felt his hands grabbing at parts of her body and his lips were on her neck and his body was pressed flush against her, keeping her pinned to the wall.

“Stop!” she yelled, her magic bursting out like a raging tornado and thrusting Agravaine away from her, towards the opposite wall.

Agravaine looked at her, the anger in his eyes was prominent and sharp. “How dare you refuse me? I am a Lord and your better!”

She sneered. “In case it has passed your notice, Agravaine, I am a lady of the court. I owe you nothing!”

He smiled wickedly. “You’re no lady, Nimueh. You’re just a commoner that was elevated in status because you happened to have a few pretty tricks up your sleeve.” She glared at him and he gave her a challenging look. “I’ve seen how you look at the King, Nimueh. Do you honestly think he would love someone like you? Someone of such obvious lower status?”

Nimueh felt the words prick her heart and tried to hold back the helpless tears in her eyes. Uther did love her, he must love her, she was sure of it. How could he not when she loved him so completely? “Agravaine, you would do well to shut your mouth and stay away from me, or I am not responsible for how much I may hurt you.” She could feel the electric power crackling at her finger tips, and from the fear in Agravaine’s eyes, she knew he could feel it too.

“I just hope for your sake that you don’t have unrealistic expectations, Nimueh.”

And if Agravaine limped a bit when he walked the next day, well, no one thought to question Nimueh on it.

* * *

 Arthur and Guinevere’s wedding was one filled with excitement and beauty. Merlin watched as Arthur sat next to his beloved queen, their fingers entwined and rested on top of the table for all to see. The people adored Gwen. She was one of them, a woman truly of the people, with beauty beyond compare. The bards wrote songs about the pair and the townspeople gifted them with wedding presents.

Merlin stood in the corner of the hall, holding the pitcher of wine that Arthur hadn’t asked for once this evening. The knights sat around Gwen and Arthur at the head of the high table, sharing stories and jokes, but the newlyweds seemed to have eyes only for each other. Merlin had never seen the court look so happy.

He slumped against the wall and stared down at the pitcher of wine, wondering if anyone would notice if he took a swig of it for himself. He felt a hand grip his arm and almost jumped.

Sefa leaned into his ear and whispered. “You could at least fake a smile before they all notice.”

He turned to stare at her in shock as she gave him a sad smile in return. “H-how do you – what are you – what?”

“You love him.” She said plainly.

He stared at her for a long time before, finally, he nodded. The tears were welling up now and Sefa leaned into his space. Her hands reached up to his face, slowly wiping away the few tears that had fallen. “Shhh…” she said, softly. “It’s a happy day, Merlin. The King is happy. You must be strong for him.”

He nodded and leaned against her for support. “Thank you.” He breathed out. She merely smiled in return. From the direction of the table, he heard a whoop of happiness and looked up.

“Ha! Looks like Merlin’s got himself his own lover now!” Gwaine near shouted, and the knights all turned towards him and Sefa, smiling. Merlin felt the blush warming his cheeks and looked at the ground. How very wrong they were.

Arthur turned at that moment too. His face broke into a grin as he saw Merlin, and beckoned him over. As Merlin approached the table, Arthur gripped his arm and laughed loudly. “Guess you finally found a girl blind enough to like you, _Mer_ lin!” Merlin could see his golden hair shining in the amber light of the candles that lit the hall, and he could see how Arthur had scooted his chair closer to Gwen’s in order to brush his leg with her.

“Well, Gwen’s stuck with you for life now. Sefa hasn’t got it quite as bad as her.” Merlin replied, cheekily, trying to force a relaxed smile on his face. He could hear the knights’ expressing their amusement over the exchange next to him.

Arthur pushed him a bit and Merlin struggled not to fall over. “That’s _Queen_ Guinevere to you, _Mer_ lin.”

Of course, Merlin thought bitterly, like he’d ever forget that.

* * *

 When Uther announced his engagement to Lady Ygraine, Nimueh felt as if she was dying. This must be what dying felt like, she thought, though she could still feel her heart beating, miraculously, and she could still breathe, barely.

Uther must have noticed something, because he turned towards her to ask “Are you quite alright, Lady Nimueh?”

“Of course, sire.” She replied, her hands clasping together tightly.

Lady Ygraine and King Uther got married on August 2nd, and the wedding was something magical to behold indeed. Nimueh herself had helped enchant Ygraine’s dress to make it seem as if it was made of a water-like material rather than cloth. When Uther pledged his love to her with a kiss, Nimueh was responsible for making sparks fly behind the pair. If one had trailed dangerously close to Ygraine’s hair, well, no one was able to prove it. Except for Agravaine’s smirking face.

The feast that followed was magnificent indeed. Nimueh, as Court Sorceress, was at the very head of the table, to Uther’s right. She was close enough to watch the couple as they whispered promises to each other and pressed soft kisses to each other’s cheeks. She struggled not destroy the table in front of her and turn it into smoking rubble.

Across from her, Gaius smiled at the royal couple, but she watched as his eyes continuously wandered down the table to look at Alice. Nimueh stared at the couple in disgust.

When Gaius caught Nimueh’s eye, he gave her a small pitying smile and it was through sheer force of will that she managed not to explode right then.

“I’m sorry, Your Highness.” Nimueh said, interrupting another whispered conversation between Uther and _Queen_ Ygraine. “It’s been quite a long night and I have been exhausted from the magic I’ve used today. Can I retire to my chambers?”

Uther nodded his consent to her, barely sparing her a second glance. Nimueh gritted her teeth a bit, feeling lost and out of place, before moving out of the hall as fast as possible.

* * *

 After two years, Gwen had still not become pregnant. The king and queen fretted. It had been too long and without an heir to secure the inheritance of the throne, the surrounding kingdoms may move in on them. Arthur was trying to unite the kingdoms, with the help of his Court Sorcerer Merlin, but it was a slow process and an attempt on Arthur’s life could ruin all the progress they had made thus far.

The king and queen consulted Gaius about the problem.

“I’m sorry, Sire.” Gaius said, nervously. Merlin sat in a corner, reading one of the magic books he had scoured from the library, while simultaneously listening to the conversation. “There’s no medicinal ways to create life and I have already tried to promote fertility in the queen, but nothing is working. I fear, Sire, that it may be genetic – that this is the same thing your father suffered from when he tried to conceive.”

Arthur looked stricken. “So, you’re saying the only way is…”

“Magic, yes.” Gaius replied. “But it is far too dangerous. You know the ways of the Old Religion. To give a life, one must be taken.”

Arthur looked contemplative as he left.

When Gaius died, a few months later, Merlin was called to meet with the King and Queen in their chambers. It had been a long time since Merlin had time to talk to the King one on one and he jumped at the chance to rekindle the close friendship they once had. He knew Arthur was still his friend but with Gwen and the knights, it seemed Arthur did not have time for him anymore. Merlin was lonely and repeatedly thought of leaving Camelot to travel the world. He often almost did but was usually stopped by his own love for Arthur or sometimes by Gwaine, who struggled to protect Merlin from himself.

When Merlin entered the King’s chambers, it was to find Arthur and Gwen looking anxious. “Merlin! Sit, please.” Gwen said, instantly. Merlin sat across from them and could feel the creeping sensation of knowing what they were going to ask of him.

“Merlin. Guinevere and I have discussed the consequences and positive points of what we are about to ask you and are completely willing to take them on.” Merlin had just noticed that Arthur’s eyes were a bit red, as if he had been crying. Merlin stifled the urge to comfort him.

“I fear that I know what you are going to ask me.” Merlin said, stiffly.

“We want to use magic. To create a child.” Gwen burst out. She had never quite been tactful when she spoke among friends. It was surprising how different she was as a queen.

“You know the price.” He looked at them both, begging them to reconsider with his eyes.

“A life for a life.” Arthur stated simply.

“I willingly give my life to provide Arthur with an heir.” Gwen said. She was always so strong. That’s why Merlin loved her. That’s why she was perfect for Arthur. And Merlin felt his heart breaking as he looked at the pair. Arthur had pulled up his common unfeeling shield, the one he used to mask what he really felt from the public, but Merlin saw right through his screen to the slowly shattering man inside. Gwen looked determined and ready to fight anyone who tried to talk her out of this decision.

Merlin sighed deeply and nodded. “Very well.”

* * *

 King Uther and Queen Ygraine had been married for seven years yet they remained without an heir to the throne. There was unrest in the kingdom. The people whispered about bad omens and talked about the barren queen behind closed doors. No one dared to say these words to Uther, however, who would often fly into an angry rage.

Gaius tried fertility potions, herbs, medicines, everything he could, yet the queen remained childless. Nimueh sometimes passed by the royal chambers to see the door cracked open slightly, and inside a crying queen being hugged by her desperate husband. It was eventual that they would reach the conclusion they did.

“My lady,” The king said briefly, inclining his head as she opened the door to her Western tower chambers wider to let him in. Nimueh noticed Queen Ygraine had come with him but seemed somewhat reluctant to step into her rooms.

“My King.” She tried to seem indifferent, thought that was rarely possible when it came to Uther.

“We have tried everything to conceive an heir.” He started and she had to hold back the wince that accompanied her imagination of all of the ways they tried. Of course, as husband and wife she knew they would be intimate together but it had never quite attacked her thoughts as it did now. It hurt. Uther pressed on without noticing. “Gaius has done everything he can, and now we turn to you, dear friend, as our last hope.”

Slowly, she looked up to meet their gazes, so full of hope and desperation. “You want to use magic.” It was a statement, nay, an order, not a question and Uther simply nodded at her words. “You do understand that the Old Religion demands a price for any magic. It is dangerous to play with the concepts of life and death.”

“We understand perfectly, Nimueh.” Ygraine said, a gentle, sad smile blossoming on her face. “But we must have an heir, no matter what the cost.”

“Will you do this for us?” Uther looked directly at her now, his eyes somewhat pleading. Uther never pleaded for anything. Nimueh had never been so closely the center of her King’s attention in so long. She had never been the one sole focus of the man she lived for. So, when Uther looked at her so intently, with such hope in his voice, the outcome was inevitable.

“Anything for you, Sire.”

* * *

 Emrys was the greatest warlock to ever walk the earth. His powers far surpassed those of Nimueh, Morgause, Morgana, and all the other priestesses of the Old Religion. Now, with the opportunity and materials to study and perfect his craft, Merlin was incredibly strong.

This was why, when he cast the spell to create life for his King and Queen, he was able to negotiate the price as well. The Old Religion had at first pointed itself at Arthur, but Merlin was able to quickly direct the strands of magic in another direction.

The Queen beamed with joy and life. Arthur had never looked happier in his life. The people celebrated the announcement that Queen Guinevere was pregnant with a festival and a feast. At this feast, Merlin sat at Arthur’s right and watched as his beloved whispered sweet nothings in his wife’s ear. When Arthur turned away from Gwen, he met Merlin’s stare and gave a small, sad smile.

This moment, shared between the two, encompassed the grief behind the festival being held today. In Arthur’s eyes, while he was overjoyed to be having a son, he also mourned the fact that in nine months time, he will not have his love anymore.

In Merlin’s eyes, he said a silent goodbye to his king.

* * *

Nimueh only figured out who the Old Religion had picked as a target five months after Queen Ygraine became pregnant. She was a high priestess, but no one, no matter how powerful, can possibly seek to understand the Old Religion in its entirety (however, she learned that this wasn’t true the day she met Merlin).

Nimueh found out Ygraine was going to die on a Wednesday when they were sitting in the garden and having tea together, as the Queen frequently loved to do. Uther had gone to visit his old friend Gorlois. When Ygraine had asked Nimueh if she could use her magic to check on her son’s well-being, she had assumed it would be a quick, simple procedure.

She reached out with her magic to sense the new life growing in Ygraine’s swollen belly. However, once she reached the child, she sensed the magical threads leading elsewhere. The malevolent threads of magic pulled away from the child and instead extended outward to coil around the queen’s body.

Nimueh swallowed.

Perhaps that was the point in time that could have changed everything. Perhaps, if she had just told the king and queen about her discovery then and there, none of the things to follow would have occurred. Uther would not consider her to have betrayed him; Nimueh would not have to go on the run; the Great Purge would have never occurred at all.

But Nimueh did not tell them about Ygraine’s impending doom.

A twisted part of her, the pit in her stomach where the tendrils of jealousy rose every time she saw King Uther press a kiss to his Queen’s mouth, kept her silent. In some small corner of her brain, she reasoned that telling the King would simply upset him more, while another, more hidden part, secretly hoped that the death of Queen Ygraine would allow her king to love Nimueh instead.

She had waited for so long, had loved Uther for so long, didn’t she deserve to be loved in return?

So, Nimueh said nothing. She watched as the Queen grew paler in her final months, and kept quiet about the grief that was to come.

* * *

Merlin could feel himself fading as the child grew. At first, it was small things – the greater amount of hairs he found on his pillow each morning, the dark circles that shaded his eyes, the weary lines on his young face. But for everything that drained from him, the King and Queen seemed to grow happier in their bliss and Merlin felt happy for them.

His sadness had plagued him for too long. Too long had his love for Arthur, his jealousy of Guinevere haunted at his heels like a hunting dog. He decided soon enough that the kingdom was safe now. Magic was free and Albion was well on its way to being formed, just a few more treaties to be signed. All in all, Merlin was not needed anymore.

Some days, Merlin tried to reinforce the wards around the citadel and felt his magic leaving him like dust in the wind. Small pieces of magic that seemed to be blowing away as time went on.

Gwaine was concerned, incredibly concerned, but Merlin placated him with words like “I’m just not sleeping enough” and “it’s just a bit of a cold.” Arthur, in his happiness, never seemed to notice that his Court Sorcerer, his former manservant, his best friend and confidant, was withering away.

Merlin knew the moment Gwen went into labour because it was the same moment he collapsed to the floor in pain.

* * *

The delivery was spectacularly easy, despite how exhausted the queen looked even before it happened. Nimueh was there throughout the entire thing. She watched as the beautiful Prince Arthur was born. She watched as the Queen held her baby boy in her arms, smiling, but looking like she was about to collapse.

She remembers Ygraine handing her son over to the maidservant and looking straight up at Nimueh. Nimueh remembers the knowledge, the sadness, the understanding in Ygraine’s eyes as the life slowly flowed out of them, like a trickling stream.

When Uther came in to see his new born son and was instead met with the sight of his lifeless wife, Nimueh still swears she heard something break. Uther’s screams were still one of the worst sounds Nimueh has ever experienced in her life. She remembers approaching Uther, and touching his shoulder gently in comfort, only to have him whirl around and grab at her wrist.

“You!” He snarled, throwing her against the wall. “You did this! You killed her!”

“I told you there would be a price!” Nimueh shouted, clutching at the wrist that felt broken.

“You didn’t tell me this!” His voice was broken and angry. “Guards! Seize her!”

Nimueh remembers being dragged away and locked in a cell. She remembers Uther coming down to the cells to yell at her, rant about how magic and the Old Religion was evil, how she was to be executed at dawn.

“But I thought I was your friend!” Nimueh said, desperately trying to get him to reconsider, to look at her, to love her.

“No sorceress can ever be my friend.” Uther snarled, his eyes cold and unwelcoming. “You’re a filthy commoner who invaded my court and killed my wife. I can’t wait to rid this world of such an unnatural horror.”

Nimueh felt like someone had reached into her stomach and was slowly tearing apart the organs inside her body.

She had escaped the cell the very next morning.

When Uther began the Great Purge and executed millions of her magical kin, Nimueh felt her heart harden, forged in the fires of discrimination and hate. She would have her revenge – for Uther’s betrayal, for being forced to exile, for him not loving her in return after everything she had given him.

* * *

 

Merlin supposed Gwaine had found him collapsed on the floor and had been the one to inform Arthur because the next thing Merlin knew, he was lying on his bed, looking up into Arthur’s beautiful eyes.

“You’re awake.” Arthur breathed out in relief.

“Congratulations on that observation, Your Highness.” Merlin replied and he watched as Arthur’s expression went from joy to concern to anger.

“How could you?” He half whispered, half shouted. “You knew. I know you knew. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It is easier to say goodbye when you don’t know its goodbye.” Merlin said gently and Arthur sagged against him.

“Guinevere wanted to give up her life, not yours.” Arthur said, fiercely.

“I know.” Merlin replied. “But my time is over, Arthur. There’s no need of me anymore. But you need Gwen. You love Gwen.” He gave Arthur a sad smile. “My affections were out of place in this lifetime anyway.”

“What are you talking about?” Arthur asked and Merlin felt the strange urge to laugh manically. Trust Arthur to not understand, to not know his soul until the very end. Only he would be blind enough to not notice.

“Arthur,” Merlin coughed. His voice felt weary, like it was about to give out. “I’ve told you before. My life, my powers, my everything, is yours. I would do anything for you, Sire. This is just one more thing.”

Merlin watched Arthur’s eyes widen in realization and grief. “You…” He trailed off, as if unable to complete his own thought. Merlin merely nodded at the statement. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“When was I to tell you, my King?” Merlin shook his head. “You had your true love. I did not need to interrupt that. And now, I’ve safely preserved it.”

Arthur clutched his hand tighter. “I don’t want to lose you, Merlin.”

Merlin reached his other hand up and stroked Arthur’s face. “We will meet again in another lifetime, Sire. Perhaps, we’ll have another chance, then. I will love you in every lifetime, without fail.” Merlin saw tears welling up in Arthur’s eyes but pressed on. “Now, Arthur, you have to go to your wife. He’s here. Your son. I can feel him and I can feel the Old Religion telling me to rebalance the world, and I must oblige.” Merlin’s hand dropped back to the bed.

Arthur was actually crying now. “Goodbye, old friend.”

Arthur sat by the bedside for a long time before Gwaine finally made him get up and go see the Queen who was calling for him. Prince Duran had Gwen’s slightly curly dark hair and Arthur’s blue eyes but somehow Arthur could only think of one person when he saw his son

Later, Arthur would think about what a cruel joke it was that he had accepted the death of one love only to have another taken away from him.

* * *

_“History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.” – Karl Marx_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Read and review? This idea just wouldn't leave my head at all. It hasn't been beta'd.


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